It Can Happen Here

In 1935, American author Sinclair Lewis wrote a satirical novel called It Can't Happen Here about a fascist takeover in the United States. The story features a fictional politician named Berzelius "Buzz" Windrip who defeats Franklin Delano Roosevelt in the 1936 election by running on a populist platform and promising to restore America's greatness.

Upon taking office, President Windrip immediately outlaws any form of public dissent and creates a militarized police force called the Minute Men to keep American citizens in line. After minimizing the influence of Congress and the Supreme Court, Windrip rules through executive actions, continually abusing his position of authority in order to gain more power. Meanwhile, Americans let it all happen because they bought into the myth that this self-serving charlatan would lead them to prosperity.

So you might think that this all sounds familiar. The thing is, so would a lot of Germans at that time. You see, Lewis drew inspiration for many of the plot elements of his novel from what had been happening in Germany since the end of World War I. As discussed in a previous article, their economy wasn't exactly doing too well. In fact, the deutschmark was pretty much worthless throughout most of the 1920s. The desperation that this caused led to a revitalized sense of nationalism as Germans vowed to make their country great again by whatever means necessary.

In 1925, Paul von Hindenburg was elected President of Germany on just such a platform. In order to restore Germany to the glory of its mythologized past, Hindenburg surrounded himself with a group of cronies who became known as the "Kamarilla," which included his son Oskar and a military advisor named General Kurt von Schleicher. With the help of the Kamarilla, Hindenburg was able to greatly expand his own power, including the time when he gave himself the authority to dissolve the German parliament, known as the Reichstag, with the intent of forming a new government more ideologically aligned with his own views. Hindenburg also granted himself the power to appoint a Chancellor. This person would effectively be the head of the government, overseeing all of its moving parts, while Hindenburg himself remained the head of state.

...and Hindenburg's mustache was named the 
official beer sponge of the Weimar Republic.

During Hindenburg's first seven-year term, the German economy saw little improvement. People were angry. Jewish bankers became scapegoats. A far-right nationalist movement developed within the fragments of their broken country. Meanwhile, an increasing number of Germans questioned why their government was still paying war reparations when their own people were starving. In ever-angrier voices (or maybe it just sounded that way because they were German), they asked, "Shouldn't their own country come first?" while people in brown shirts believed themselves to be inherently better than everyone else, particularly the "lesser citizens" among them.

Paul von Hindenburg successfully ran for reelection in 1932. At 84 years old, he only ran for public office again because he was seen by many as the only person who could beat the candidate from the Nationalist Socialist German Workers' Party (NSDAP in German, Nazis to everybody else). Yes, that candidate was an up-and-coming political firebrand by the name of Adolph Hitler. Hindenburg took about 53% of the vote, compared to Hitler, who only received about 37%. However, while the Nazis did not have a majority in the Reichstag either, the remaining seats were split among the two other major parties, thereby giving the Nazis more overall influence in the legislature.

Hindenburg still got to pick the radio station.

Hindenburg was pressured by Nazis in the Reichstag to appoint Hitler as Chancellor, which he reluctantly did in January 1933. It is therefore accurate to say that Hitler was democratically elected, although technically, he was actually appointed to the position of Chancellor by the President. The following month, an arson set the Reichstag ablaze. A young Dutch communist named Marinus van der Lubbe took the fall and was promptly arrested. His trial was sensationalized on national radio. Millions tuned in. They came for the drama but stayed for the propaganda. Van der Lubbe was of course found guilty, although some historians have suggested that Hermann Göring, founder of the Gestapo and President of the Reichstag at that time, was actually the one who started the fire. (Many years later, Billy Joel helped narrow down the list of suspects.)

Pictured: pure fucking evil.

In the immediate aftermath of the arson, the Reichstag temporarily met in the Kroll Opera House, where they passed the "Reichstag Fire Decree." This was kind of like the Patriot Act in that it suspended a number of civil liberties in the name of protecting people from these (anarchic communist) terrorists, which people were led to believe had infiltrated their communities. Only the big, strong government could protect them. In March, the Reichstag then passed the "Enabling Act," which granted the executive branch the power to make laws without the Reichstag. By essentially voting themselves obsolete, this was a major step toward establishing a true authoritarian government.

Hitler's power as Chancellor only continued to increase as more and more rights were stripped away from the German people. Millions of innocent people died, while millions more fled their homeland. When Paul von Hindenburg died on August 2, 1934, Hitler appointed himself Führer, abandoning any last pretenses of democracy in favor of full autocratic rule. As Sinclair Lewis was keen to recognize, people tend to let dictators get away with their crimes in plain sight until their horrific actions are no longer considered criminal. All the while, people tell themselves that it can't happen here.

It is happening, and only we can stop it. Democracy and justice are the only viable remedies.

Resist fascism. Vote for a common good.

Spring Cleaning

As better weather steadily approaches, many of us will soon be cleaning out our basements and garages in order to purge our homes of anything for which we no longer have any practical use. We may donate these items, recycle them or throw them in the trash, depending on their perceived value and condition. Regardless of what something is though, if it sits unused, then it is just creating clutter, and only after these things are out of the way can we scrub away any of the grime and funk that may be lurking underneath.

I should note however that this is not an article about organizing and disinfecting one's home. If you want to live like a slob, that's on you. Rather, I would like to point out that American politics is in fact long overdue for some major spring cleaning. Our elected officials have been hoarding bad practices for so long that it is difficult to even find a functioning government beneath. Perhaps then it is time to reevaluate what we actually need and what we're just holding onto for old times' sake.

Here are six things that our current political system could do without:

Voting on Tuesday

Here in the US, unlike most other modern democracies, Election Day is not a national holiday. We also hold it on a day that seems both strangely specific and entirely arbitrary. This is because in 1845, Congress decided that Americans should all vote on the first Tuesday after the second Monday in November, but never during a 'witching moon,' whatever that is.

Ok, I made up that last part, but the rest of it is legit. Yes, sometimes it seems like our laws may have been written with the help of Mad Libs.

November was chosen as not to interfere with harvest season, as the United States was still primarily agrarian back then. This is the same reason we have Daylight Savings Time, which gets an honorable mention in this list in terms of useless cogs in our democracy. As for Tuesday, it allowed traveling time to and from people's homes to their polling stations, and it was the one day of the week with the fewest religious objections. This was also before bowling leagues were even a thing.

The odd specificity of the date itself was actually the result of an ill-conceived compromise between religion, business and politics -- which may explain why it's such a mess. Hey, did you hear the one about the priest, the businessman and the politician crafting one of the pillars of our democracy? It was a real joke, let me tell you.

You see, according to some sects of Christianity, November 1 is All Saints Day, and lawmakers wanted to eliminate the possibility of this conflicting with Election Day. Apparently they forgot about that whole separation of church and state thing. The beginning of the month is also when merchants did their books and politicians worried that if that month's economic reports reflected poorly, then it might cost them reelection.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we vote on the first Tuesday after the second Monday in November, despite it being a day when working-class Americans are most likely to be working.

Actually, I suspect that voter suppression is exactly why the law has never been changed even though it makes absolutely zero sense in the context of a modern democracy. If we truly want to call ourselves a democracy in good conscience, then Election Day should be a national holiday and we should have federal standards for automatic registration and absentee voting so that everyone has a voice. There is no legitimate reason not to.

Gerrymandering

You know Gerry, right? Well let me tell you, this Gerry Mandering guy is a total asshole who has completely corrupted the democratic integrity of our political system. In fact, he is probably the number one reason why elected representatives today don't represent the interests of the people who elected them. I'll explain...

The term 'gerrymandering' actually comes from the name of Governor Elbridge Gerry, who in 1810 redrew the district lines for the Massachusetts state Senate race in order to give an advantage to his own political party. The Boston Gazette ran an article lampooning this practice, referring to it as "The Gerry-Mander" due to its perceived resemblance to a salamander, and because nineteenth century newspaper cartoonists were like that.

It was meant to inspire ridicule as a shameless manipulation of our democracy, but today, nearly all political district lines in the United States have been drawn by elected politicians or appointees of those politicians. Depending on which party was in power at the time, that district was almost certainly designed to favor one over the other, resulting in maps that look like this:

This also has the effect of making most Congressional districts non-competitive. Doesn't it seem strange that a Congress with an approval rating of 11% can also see a reelection rate of about 91%? This is because their districts were designed to be safe. Instead of voters choosing their representatives, the representatives are essentially choosing their voters, which generally means that they will win reelection whether they give two shits about their constituencies or not.

As a result, there is a very good chance that your elected representatives are far more interested in what lobbyists and campaign donors have to say than they are in the concerns of anyone who lives in the areas that they are supposed to represent. Basically, they don't listen to the people in their home districts because they don't have to. These pricks know that they'll probably get re-elected anyway.

It seems strange that people accept this as normal.

Filibustering

Ok. I don't know if Gerry and Phil are friends, but Phil's kind of a dick, too. Filibustering is kind of like pouring sand into the machinery of our democracy. It slows everything down to a stop, requiring a 60-vote 'supermajority' in the Senate to get the damn thing moving again. One might also compare it to a kid throwing a temper tantrum in the toy aisle at the store because he refuses to leave without getting what he wants... and that means that nobody's leaving.

Although filibustering is a practice that dates back as far as Ancient Rome, it has only been used in modern dysfunctional democracies like ours since the late nineteenth century. Yes, in the 1800s, it seems that the common practice was to use gerunds in the same way that journalists today just slap 'gate' at the end of any word to denote a scandal.

In 1939, Jimmy Stewart made filibustering cool in the climactic scene of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. What can I say? People had very different standards of coolness back then.

The filibuster really is more of a loophole than it is a sound legal practice, a form of legislative obstruction that has been exploited to sometimes ridiculous ends... like the time Strom Thurmond (also known as the "Racist who refused to die") spoke for over twenty-four hours straight in a vain attempt to prevent the Civil Rights Act of 1957 from passing. In every sense, that is the opposite of democracy in action.

Lobbyists

Let's say that I am a lobbyist who represents a major corporation -- but let's do this quickly, because I'm already starting to hate myself. In our hypothetical scenario, my company made a campaign contribution of an undisclosed denomination to an elected representative in return for face-time with this politician. This will give me, the lobbyist, an opportunity to tell the representative what he or she can do for our company now that we helped get this person re/elected. In fact, I may even have a bill that was written up at my firm for the elected official to sign and put to the floor for a vote...

This kind of thing happens all of the time. How is it not corruption? How is it that these dark campaign contributions are not considered bribery? Does anyone believe that these corporations are supporting specific political candidates out of the goodness of their hearts? Guess what. Corporations aren't people, and capitalism has never been motivated by human compassion. Corporations hire lobbyists to bribe politicians. Everybody knows that's how it works, but nobody does anything about it... because the people who are in the position to institute systemic change are the exact same people who benefit the most from this system, so why would they ever disrupt the status quo?

Lobbying is a way for corporations and special interest groups to make campaign donations in return for political favors, to make their voices heard over the millions of people that the politician is supposed to represent. Not only is this legal, but for some reason, most people accept it as an integral component of our political system. Corporate lobbying should be called out for what it is: a legalized form of blatant corruption.  

The Electoral College

In the original Constitution, the Electoral College actually made slightly more sense. According to Article II, Section 1, Clause 3, each elector was allowed two votes for President, but they could not use both of those votes on candidates from their home state. Whoever got the most votes would be President, and the second place winner would be Vice President. I think third place got a Frisbee. The Twelfth Amendment, ratified in 1803, then changed this to the system that we have today. As discussed in a previous article, it was designed to create an artificial balance of power between the more populous northern states and the slave-owning southern states. In 2016, this was the same system that gave us Ill Douche.

In 1969, there was a vote to change to a system of popular vote, doing away with the Electoral College completely, but since that would have completely changed the political landscape in the US, those who were in power at the time voted it down. Once again, when people have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo, to those individuals, change is seen as something that threatens to destroy rather than create. 

The Two-Party System

The US Constitution includes no mention of political parties, yet by requiring a majority of electors in order to win the Presidency, it essentially mandates that there can only be two major parties, because in a three-way split, no one would have a majority. In such a scenario, the President would be chosen by the House of Representatives. Personally, I would have more faith in the decision-making ability of a room full of monkeys, even if the only thing they ever voted for was more bananas.

Besides, it wouldn't be all bad. At least bananas don't want to build walls, start trade wars or destroy the multicultural foundation upon which this country was built. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for rotten oranges.

The two-party system is also responsible for the lesser-of-two-evils mentality that dominates contemporary American politics. Granted, I suppose a lesser-of-three-evils wouldn't be much better, but if we weren't limited by the current system, there is always the possibilty that voters might actually have some real options about how to move this country forward. They might even be able to find honest politicians who are willing to fight on behalf of their interests for a change. 

Isn't that how it's supposed to work? And since anyone who is paying attention can clearly see that it doesn't, then don't you think maybe it's time to clean things up a bit? All this clutter is clogging the machinery of our democracy. Remember: the first three words of our Constitution are We the People, and the idea was to have a system of government that could adapt with the changing times, ever in pursuit of "a more perfect union." 

Free Inside!

Nothing calls attention to you whatever it is you're selling like giving away some free crap. With that in mind, here is some free knowledge featuring strange product giveaways that were intended to promote something only tangentially related to the prize. Collect all six!

Dish Night at the Movies

During the Great Depression, it became increasingly difficult to convince people to spend money on movie tickets when they could barely afford basic necessities. To address this, theaters across the country started running promotions to get people to fill their seats, including “dish night,” which incentivized regular patronage by including a free dish each week. In order to get the full set, people would have to keep going back to the movies.

This promotion was so popular that old lady fights would break out in theater lobbies over gravy boats and serving trays. Seriously. So if you want a glimpse of just how terrible the Great Depression was, chew on that for a minute. Imagine old ladies punching each other in the faces (probably) and busting out nunchucks (less likely) all for something like this:

I know most movies back then were black and white... but people could see in color, right?



Ghostbusters II Record in Ghostbusters II Cereal

There are at least two mind-blowing components right there in the name of this entry. First of all, Ghostbusters II cereal was a real thing that existed at one time... although if you hadn’t eaten the original Ghostbusters cereal first, it might not make any sense. Number two: inside that box, there were actual (square) vinyl records that were part of the "Movie Mystery Sweepstakes," which contained trivia questions about the movie. Best of all, if your cut-out record happened to be white or gold and you answered all of the questions correctly, you could win the chance to meet a real Ghostbuster!

And what kid wouldn't be thrilled to find out that it was actually the guy who did the voice of Egon in the cartoon spinoff?

From what I can tell, the box also appears to contain some kind of food-like substance.



Jar of Knives

No, this is not the name of a shitty mid-90s alternative rock band. It's actually a giveaway item for trade shows. I know... most of the time, people are probably only expected to take one, but there's just something about reaching into a jar of knives that makes you want to grab a whole handful.

Win an AR-15 Assault Rifle from a Florida Senator

In June 2016, a week after the horrific mass shooting at the Florida nightclub, a state Senator from America’s dong named Greg Evers announced that he would be randomly giving away an AR-15 assult rifle to someone within his constituency in order to “protect our constitutional rights.” The rifle even had the second amendment etched right into the stock, just in case the winner happened to be literate.

For all fourteen years that Evers was in office, he received an A+ rating from the NRA. He did not win reelection after this tasteless publicity stunt. He was, however, probably given a free calendar from the NRA.

And a woman from Pensacola is now the proud owner of military-style weapon that was designed to kill people. U.S.A.!!



Cracker Jack Dabbles in the Occult

Cracker Jack has always been known for having cheap toys inside. In fact, that’s probably what you think of when someone says the name. Over the years, they have had prizes ranging from temporary tattoos to a tiny toy pipe... because it's never too soon to introduce kids to skin ink and tobacco products.

Perhaps the strangest prize that they ever included was a small tin wheel that told fortunes. This was back in the 1930s, so people were desperate for even a glint of optimism. (Remember the old ladies?) This magical device would tell a person's fortune just by entering the letters of his or her name.

Mine says... disappointed.

My guess is that most of the time, this thing told people that they would have stale caramel-corn stuck to their teeth. One fortune that they never could have predicted was that in 2013, Cracker Jack's iconic prizes would be replaced by QR codes.

And you thought that the cardboard maze with the tiny metal marble was a piece of shit.



Candles With Diamond Rings Inside

According to the company website, the founder of Diamond Candles got the idea for his business back in 1980 when he proposed to the woman that he would later marry. Thinking that an engagement ring just wasn’t enough, he also presented his fiancee-to-be with a candle (you know, just in case), and thus the concept was born. Except he decided that it would be even better to put some cheap costume jewelry inside the candle. Oh, and there's also a very slim chance that it may contain an actual ring worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 -- while the candles themselves cost about $25.

I'm guessing that they don't sell a lot of these to math majors.

The company has since proven to be highly successful, even prompting a number of imitators to follow this same basic business model. They sell hope, and apparently the rare occasion when a woman gets a ring in her candle that doesn't give her a weird rash and which also miraculously fits on one of her fingers is enough to keep this hope afloat.

That's almost sadder than old lady fights.