Mr. Spectator: A Brief Article About Underwear, Including a Story About a Boxer

Underwear. Under where? We’ll get to that. But first…

It All Started with Comedy

The word 'pants' comes from the term 'pantaloon,' which gets its name from a stock character in the 16th-century Italian commedia dell’arte named Pantalone.

While most men at that time wore knee-breeches, Pantalone wore his bright red fancy-pants all the way to the ankle. This was to hide his legs, which were said to be skinny from never having done any manual labor. Like all the characters of these traveling comedy troupes, he was an archetype who stood for something bigger. Pantalone represented money and greed.

Pantaloons, as they came to be known, were made of two separate pantlegs which were then secured at the waist. A cod piece covered the rest. The cape was presumably optional. Over time, pants became etymologically linked to underpants and underwear. This is why we say “pair of underwear” today, even though the garment to which we are referring is singular.

Women Didn’t Start Wearing Panties Until the Late Eighteenth Century, Bras the Twentieth Century

First of all, I know that some of you are not particularly fond of the word 'panties.' I'm not really a fan myself. But if you think that's an ugly word, back in ancient Rome, they wore something called a subligaculum, which even my spell-check is giving me shit about.

As long as we're on the topic of European history and underwear... I see London and I see France, but if I went to either of those places around the time of the American Revolution, I can say with some certainty that I wouldn’t have seen any women’s underpants, in large part because very few women wore them back then. Petticoats were far more common for those who could afford them. Most women squatted in alleys or fields to piss anyway and it was far more practical to not have anything in the way.

In 1727, a ballerina accidentally exposed herself to a Parisian audience. This "scandal" led to the creation of the first law that required women to wear underwear -- but even then, it only applied to actresses and dancers on stage. Most women knew that it was healthier to not wear underwear, because going commando, especially back then, meant that they were less prone to yeast infections and UTIs. Keep in mind, this was before antibiotics.

I include this image primarily in reference to antibiotics.

Women’s underwear didn’t really take off (so to speak) until bicycles became popular in the late nineteenth century. Even then, this is why the cross-bar on women’s bikes is lower. It was designed that way so that women's dresses would not be lifted as they pedaled, because there was a pretty good chance that they weren’t wearing anything underneath.

Bras, on the other hand (so to speak), weren’t commonly worn until the 1920s. The modern elastic-boob-holder was invented by Mary Phelps Jacob in 1913. Howard Hughes also once tried to design a bra. He figured that if he could develop something as complex as a movie or an airplane, then he could certainly make something as simple as a women’s undergarment. Of course, anyone who has ever struggled with bra straps can see the flaw in his logic.

Clark Gable May Have Killed the Undershirt

In the 1934 Frank Capra movie It Happened One Night, there is a scene where Clark Gable takes off his shirt, revealing his manly bare chest beneath. According to some sources, the undergarment industry took a nosedive after that, because men realized that if Clark Gable didn’t have to wear an undershirt, then screw it… why should they?

Newspapers at the time reported that sales of undershirts declined by about 75% because of this one scene, although no actual sales figures were ever released. That said, while this account has never officially been proven nor disproven, it makes sense. After all, this was the Great Depression, and people were no doubt looking for ways to save money.

Victoria’s Secret is that She Never Existed

The first Victoria’s Secret opened in Palo Alto, California in 1977. The owner, Roy Raymond, picked the name to match the interior design, which was inspired by Victorian-era architecture. This is why stores today include elements like dark wood, silk drapes and deep colors. Barring the Queen of England in the late-nineteenth century, it is not named after anyone named Victoria.

But if it was, her other secret would be in figuring out how to charge fifty bucks for a fancy undergarment that most people will never see or eighty dollars for a sweatshirt that says PINK when I can see with my own goddamn eyes that it's blue.

Long Johns are Named After a Famous Boxer from the 1880s

Thermal underwear, commonly referred to as “long johns,” were originally issued to American soldiers who were stationed in cold climates during World War II. These undergarments got their name from a famous boxer named John L. Sullivan, who wore a similar style of pants when he fought.

Seen here putting up his dukes:

Because long johns (i.e., flannel tights) were once associated with tough guys. Now that only works if you happen to be a superhero.

Mormons Have Their Own Special Underwear

Mormons believe that the Garden of Eden once existed in what is now Missouri and that this is where Jesus will live when he returns to earth. That's not a joke, but if you want to read it as one, that's fine.

Incidentally, this is a place where people commonly drink a beverage called the Chelada, which is a delectable combination of Bud Light and Clamato, itself a delightful blend of tomato juice and squeezed clam... all because somebody had the brilliant idea to juice a mollusk, then mix it with two other things that are equally disgusting. Drink of the god(s)? I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Mormons, who generally abstain from alcohol, are issued holy (but never holey) underwear to serve as a tidy-white reminder of their commitment to their faith. Many within the Church also believe that their undies will protect them from harm… you know, like a pair of lucky socks, or better yet: a helmet. Then again, when an organized religion starts issuing magic helmets, you might want to think about where this is all going.

Tights Were Once Exclusively Worn by Men

The idea of shapely legs being a feminine characteristic is a relatively presentist perspective. In ancient Greece and Rome, the men wore the shorter togas and robes, while women commonly covered their legs. Cause if you've got it, flaunt it.

The same was true in Shakespeare’s time, when men commonly wore tights to highlight the shapes of their lower appendages. It wasn't just actors, either.